Spotting Domestic Abuse
Keep your eyes open
One of the clearest indicators that abuse is happening is how the victim (and their children) is behaving, and, how they react to the perpetrator.
All the things that an abusive partner might point to the outside world and say:
“Look she is overly sensitive, takes things too personally, worries too much, gets worked up about the little things, exaggerates, is unstable, crazy, anxious, can’t cope, having a breakdown” etc
are actually the tell signs that she is being abused.
Almost anything can show up as abuse. The key is understanding or taking note of the impact of the action of the perpetrator on the victim.
Here are some examples of seemingly thoughtful behaviour that can actually be signs of abuse:
He buys hers flowers and she reacts badly or with anxiety.
He has told her that the day he gives her a particular flower it means that he is going to kill her, or kill their children the following day.
He takes her shopping and buys her nice clothes.
He controls what she wears, when she wears it and how she looks.
He pays for a personal trainer/gym membership, reminds her to eat well, supports her to be healthy.
He is dictating when, and how much she can eat, what size and weight she must be to please him and monitors what she eats and drinks.
He drives her everywhere, to make sure she is safe.
He controls where she goes and who she sees, he knows exactly where she is at all times, and is watching, controlling and monitoring social interactions.
He calls her regularly to make she is ok and texts often to say how much he cares.
He is monitoring her whereabouts and letting her know he is checking.
He is supportive, expressing worry and concern when she is unwell or findings things hard. He goes to their GP, their child’s school, their friends and family, saying “don’t say anything, she will think I’m interfering, she is very stressed, not well, overly anxious, prone to exaggeration, mentally unstable, having a hard time and I want to support her, please can you help”?
He is controlling the narrative that there is something wrong with the victim, deflecting attention away from what he is doing to cause this behaviour and reducing the likelihood that she will be believed if she discloses fears, worries or harm. This also isolates her.